|
2024-02-12 (Week 2306): Of Sun and Steel
After a week of mistakes and difficulties, I feel little need or desire to write on personal matters.
In fact, after finishing Yukio Mishima’s “Sun and Steel” essay, I don’t see much use in what I’m doing creatively, except as a monument to self. And that begs the question, does the self need monumentalization when there are over eight billion selves (of human variety alone) on this planet?
It’s taken me quite a while to get through reading “Sun and Steel,” as the copy I had on my phone was a direct scan and had tiny writing, and Mishima’s translated writing style does not flow exceptionally well.
That said, some of the ideas within, especially within the last chapter before the epilogue, landed an idea that gave me an “a-ha!” moment, which becomes rarer as I grow longer in the tooth.
The idea was that in feeling ostracized from the group when I was younger because of a physical flaw (excess weight), I felt alone and focused on the individual (self).
I used creative pursuits (writing and music) to define myself over being part of a group. Now that I am part of a group (at work), the individual pursuits and the goals behind said pursuits are falling away.
I had a taste of it at a previous job, where I mainly worked alone, but I thrived when there was a group to work with (even a group of two).
One particular quote from “Sun and Steel” summed up my feeling on this the best, “the group for me had come to represent a bridge, a bridge that, once crossed, left no means of return.”
Combining this with the idea of Vanaprastha, which I wrote about last week, I can see that I’m aging out of my youthful, self-involved creativity. At 44 years of age, I feel I should have aged out of it years ago, but arrested development clings to me like wet clothing in a torrential downpour. It’s past time to disrobe and dry off.
I also wonder if the skills I’ve developed in these extended times of individual creativity while creating monuments to self are of any use or value going forward. They had use in earlier times, and I use writing weekly, but I have a feeling the rest will fall away, as writing may as well.
In a way, I feel ambivalence - crestfallen and relieved simultaneously. There is a reassuring calm within me after these revelations, like new pathways might unfold now, instead of desiring them to and them staying enshrouded.
My goals for creativity (and life) are shifting, and I am curious to see how they unfold.
Until next week!
|
